Mike

This post is going to be difficult to write. There are so many emotions, and feelings, and confusion that I am dealing with....but I feel the need to pay some tribute to the man that was in my life for such a long time.

My mom and Mike were married shortly after she and my dad divorced. I think I was around 6 or 7 or 8?? when they married. At first I didn't speak to him. I don't think I talked to him for the first year they were together, at least. It wasn't because of some ill will towards him. It was just my nature. Heck. I barely spoke to my own grandparents half the time! I was just sooooo genuinely shy. That's why I can sympathize with Brooke very easily.

Anyway, I digress. So, after I got over my fear of speaking to him. ;P .... the next 12(ish) years he spent as an accessory to my life. The word "accessory" sounds so technical. But its truly the best word I can think of. My dad was still my dad. No one would replace him. Ever. But Mike was there when I went to visit my mom on the weekends or holidays or in the summers. He was an extra person put in my life that did help to shape me in some way. He taught me to waterski when I was probably 9 or 10. He was the one we all looked up to in waterskiing. We thought he hung the moon in that regard! He got me on a horse for the first and only time in my life. (I'm not a horse person) He ate my carrots for me, while I ate his cantaloupe...so we could both get down from the table after dinner. He got me to eat vegetables, unbeknownst to me, hidden inside the most delicious omelets I have ever eaten, to this day (he was the best at omelet making). He took me to get my ears pierced, when everyone else was so against it. (I think I was 13) I'm pretty sure he got in trouble for that one. ;) He came to band concerts, marching performances, basketball games, and more. And cheered me on. He was a big part of my life. I valued his opinion of me. I wanted to do good because of what he thought of me. I can still remember once when my mom told me to wipe the table off one time. I wiped it....straight onto the floor. She didn't notice. Mike did. He kinda chuckled and said something under his breath, where she couldn't hear...something like, "I don't think she meant like that." He was teasing, but I felt bad for disappointing him (or so I thought anyway). I loved this man and what he was in my life.

So, it was very sad for me when I learned that he and my mom would be divorcing. It was different than when my dad and her divorced. My dad would always be there...we were related. He was stuck with me. But Mike was "only" my stepdad. So, after a divorce, would he have any connection to me left?

I won't go into details of their relationship and what happened, but we will say it wasn't pretty. It was tough for me. Though I'm sure no one ever (to this day) realized it. I was mad. Mad at what he had done to her, and mad at what she had done to prompt it (if anything...I don't know. i was just a kid after all). Mostly, I just wanted them to be married forever. It worked for me. This relationship of my mom's was ok by me, but now it was over. I didn't want to lose their relationship. I didn't want to lose Mike.

Anyway, I am bad at remembering details, so I can't specifically say what happened next. But it just seemed over the next few years it was harder to stay in contact. I felt like I would be betraying my mother if I did. Then when it got ok again to (in her book and mine) to kinda mend the fences so to speak, we were so distant from each other. Both in physical location and emotion. So, the next several years (up until now) were spent just checking on each other via my sister (who maintained a solid relationship with him). We saw each other occasionally, the last time being about 4-5 years ago I believe. I can only date that because I remember Brooke was just a baby.

Fast forward. Since then, Mike has had numerous health problems, but they really didn't expect him to be around much longer several years ago. There were benefits and fundraisers for him. Finally he was able to get a liver transplant. I believe that was about 3 years ago? He did great with the transplant, but has since gotten worse. Again, I'm leery of spreading out wrong information. But I do know that his kidneys stopped functioning properly and he had to start dialysis and it was just one thing after another.

This past Friday, he made the ultimate decision to stop his dialysis and anti-rejection medication. He was tired of fighting.

The news came as a shock a little bit. But then again, I hadn't seen the guy in 5 years. He hasn't been a part of my daily life. I wasn't too affected.

Or so I thought...

I decided I should go see him. That one statement makes it sound easy. It wasn't an easy decision. I am one that likes to stick my fingers in my ears and say "Lalalalalala!" and pretend nothing is going on. I don't like awkward situations. I'd just rather not deal with it. Out of sight. Out of mind. In a way.

But. I didn't want to have regrets.

So yesterday, we loaded the family up (he had never before even seen Brenna!), and drove to my sister's for the day. You can imagine with time VERY limited for him, he is having lots of visitors and everybody is trying to get around and see him. Driving out to the house where we were meeting him, I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was expecting the worse. I thought he'd look like a dying man. (who knows what that looks like, but you know...)

He didn't. At least not to me. He looked like Mike. Same old Mike. Mike that had taught me to waterski. Mike that had gotten on to me for doing something stupid. Mike, that had took up for me. Mike, my stepdad.

We talked. He met the kids (who didn't talk...big shocker there.). It was a tad awkward. But not too much. Mostly, I just missed him. He was standing right in front of me and I missed him. I felt like I missed out on the years I could've had with him. I felt guilty for not coming to see him sooner, more often. I felt bad that my kids didn't know him (though its kind of a hard situation to explain to a 5year old who still thinks marriages last for 'happily ever after'..). I didn't cry. He looked good I thought! A lot skinnier, a little tired, but good! I'm so glad I went to see him. I hope he was as glad to see us. I wanted to apologize for not seeing him more often, but didn't. :( I did tell him that I loved him and that I wish we could have had longer. Then I got in the car to head home after a few hours of visiting......... and cried.

I am not upset by losing him. As I said, the last several years, he hasn't been in my life. I was upset that I lost him...those many years ago. I was upset that there would be no more second chances. It put a lot of things in perspective for me. And mainly, I felt so horrible that I wasn't there visiting him more through the years. Or didn't try to find that relationship back sooner.

I will miss him. I will miss the opportunity for him to see my kids get older and give me the same grief I gave my parents and him. But I've discovered. Really, its not that I WILL miss him. I already HAVE missed him.

Update: James Michael Ray passed from this earth on Nov 25, 2010 at 4:05am. I am thankful for the time I had with him, both in my adolescent/teen/young adult years and this past weekend. But most of all, I am thankful that he is no longer in pain of any sort and that even though we all miss him dearly, my faith allows me to know that he is in a much better place now.